Cherish everything

You love me? You love me not? That's the question that has been lingering in my mind. But the courage to ask, is something I do not have. And the truth is something I'm not ready to know.

The things I would've done right if I had another chance, that's the worst part of our break up. How many nights had I spent waiting for your call with I miss you coming out from your lips . Those same lips that said the break up lines. The call that never came. Don't get me started with how I broke down and the nights my pillows turned into river of tears. The day I told myself wow you're getting better this is good just to drench myself in tears of despair again at night. Don't get me started with how my dad asked "why do you look so sad? If it's because of your broken iPod, we'll get a new one soon". Little did he know, it wasn't the iPod but the heart. How many times had I cringed as Spotify decided to play our song . But never did I skip that song, it reminded me of (what I thought was) a good time. "He's not worth it my dear, you deserve so much more", they said. And I listed every single thing I loved about you. Every tim...

I kept on forgiving you for things you never apologised for. I kept on creating excuses for you when you just couldn't care less. I looked up to you as a successful figure when you never congratulated me for my achievements. In my mind you were my definition of perfection and I would never be enough. You were dear to me and I felt like I didn't have much to offer. These are my mistakes. This is where I'm wrong. Who am I kidding? Of course I'll never be enough. Because you're not meant for me. I'll never be enough.. for the wrong person.

And every time I think of you, I lose you all over again. How can I lose someone I have lost? It scares me that you're gonna be meeting a lot of people, in a city so far away, I'll be just another person from your past. And you're gonna be successful. You won't even be reminded of me. Maybe if I truly loved you, I would be happy for you. But there's no happiness in knowing all these things.

Forever. I used to wonder, "is it a selfish thing to want forever?". I used to wish for and believe in forever. I used to think, if I loved somebody, I could have forever, we would be able to make it. What can I say? I was a kid. And then life happens. I learn. I no longer believe in forever. Not because I can't stay loyal. Not because I'll get bored of it. But because I believe that feelings come from Him. And He can make it go away, anytime He wants. But that doesn't mean we don't have to fight to make it last. It just means that, if I was to be with anyone after this, it would last for as long as it would last . If it's 2 years then it's 2 years. If it ends with a marriage, then that's the way it is. If it's not meant to be, it's just not meant to be. Nobody will ever be completely ours. True, (almost) everyone wants it to end with a marriage. But I just think that marriage doesn't make anyone become completely ours eith...

Years since you left. Or I left. Or we both parted ways. It's true when you said "time will heal you". It still hurts here and there, it does, but I guess what time can't heal, I have to heal myself. It's just that.. I miss you as a person. Not what we had, not what we were . I just... miss talking to you. All I see in you now is somebody I no longer know. Never thought one year could make us this much apart. As much as I miss talking to you, I also know you've walked too far to come back. Too far to even look back. I hope you're always safe wherever you are. I hope you have someone to look out for you. Care for you. Listen to you. And maybe love you. Because you totally deserve that (not that you're not able to do that for yourself but yea it's always good to have someone) I can't afford to hate you. Because you taught me a lot of things. I was blind. I was naive. I was silly. I know I've hurt you a lot. I thought that...

Feelings. This is one thing I've never been good at. I hate sinking in my own feelings. I get too carried away that it eats me up inside. I haven't really liked anyone for quite some time. Or... maybe I had but the feeling I had, it was just a slight crush, it came and faded so fast and it didn't really matter. My crush has someone else? Alright that's fine, I'll just find a new crush. I guess the reason I haven't had anyone is because I don't want to move on. I cling to the image of my past one. Even when that person has grown up and changed . I replay everything in my mind everyday so I don't forget about it. Because I'm scared. Honestly, I'm scared of being with anyone else. Because I know I'll never be good enough for anyone. I know one day, they'll figure out that I'm not up to their expectation. I know I'll eff up someday. So I'd rather be in love with that image. It hurts but it feels good at the same time be...