Cherish everything

And every time I think of you, I lose you all over again. How can I lose someone I have lost? It scares me that you're gonna be meeting a lot of people, in a city so far away, I'll be just another person from your past. And you're gonna be successful. You won't even be reminded of me. Maybe if I truly loved you, I would be happy for you. But there's no happiness in knowing all these things.

This is a random post. It's waaaaay past midnight and I'm having college-sick (it's somewhat like homesick but this home refers to college) *sobs* I just wanna dedicate this to some people I am really grateful for in college. *drumrolls* it's my second semester classmates! Tbh I wasn't close to everyone but there's this one bunch that treated me so nicely *emoji monyet tutup muka* I was the only new girl in class. 28 students who had really bonded throughout the first sem and then came this snob-looking girl with her bright lipstick and all (das me -,-). Major thanks to these people for never making me feel left out, ure da bomb. Thank you completing em assignments I rarely contribute anything, for listening to my rants, accompanying me getting food 10 times a day, replying to my "cemana nak buat ni", making sure lab reports were done on time, letting me copy Maths examples, for layan-ing my selfies and my childish side, and the list goes ...

Forever. I used to wonder, "is it a selfish thing to want forever?". I used to wish for and believe in forever. I used to think, if I loved somebody, I could have forever, we would be able to make it. What can I say? I was a kid. And then life happens. I learn. I no longer believe in forever. Not because I can't stay loyal. Not because I'll get bored of it. But because I believe that feelings come from Him. And He can make it go away, anytime He wants. But that doesn't mean we don't have to fight to make it last. It just means that, if I was to be with anyone after this, it would last for as long as it would last . If it's 2 years then it's 2 years. If it ends with a marriage, then that's the way it is. If it's not meant to be, it's just not meant to be. Nobody will ever be completely ours. True, (almost) everyone wants it to end with a marriage. But I just think that marriage doesn't make anyone become completely ours eith...

I've been spending too much time on my phone. It's toxic :( I need to be reminded of who I am and who I wanna be. All this overthinking is not helping (and it's making my dark circles worse).

Years since you left. Or I left. Or we both parted ways. It's true when you said "time will heal you". It still hurts here and there, it does, but I guess what time can't heal, I have to heal myself. It's just that.. I miss you as a person. Not what we had, not what we were . I just... miss talking to you. All I see in you now is somebody I no longer know. Never thought one year could make us this much apart. As much as I miss talking to you, I also know you've walked too far to come back. Too far to even look back. I hope you're always safe wherever you are. I hope you have someone to look out for you. Care for you. Listen to you. And maybe love you. Because you totally deserve that (not that you're not able to do that for yourself but yea it's always good to have someone) I can't afford to hate you. Because you taught me a lot of things. I was blind. I was naive. I was silly. I know I've hurt you a lot. I thought that...

Well, that hurt me deep.

Feelings. This is one thing I've never been good at. I hate sinking in my own feelings. I get too carried away that it eats me up inside. I haven't really liked anyone for quite some time. Or... maybe I had but the feeling I had, it was just a slight crush, it came and faded so fast and it didn't really matter. My crush has someone else? Alright that's fine, I'll just find a new crush. I guess the reason I haven't had anyone is because I don't want to move on. I cling to the image of my past one. Even when that person has grown up and changed . I replay everything in my mind everyday so I don't forget about it. Because I'm scared. Honestly, I'm scared of being with anyone else. Because I know I'll never be good enough for anyone. I know one day, they'll figure out that I'm not up to their expectation. I know I'll eff up someday. So I'd rather be in love with that image. It hurts but it feels good at the same time be...