#67

Rants.

I stayed awake thinking of things. And I thought of how ungrateful I had been all this time. I've never realized how blessed I have been. I receive more than I deserve and more than I give. God, forgive me for asking more than I thank You. God, thank you for my parents, for my family, for my friends and for myself. All I think about is what I do not have. I think of how wonderful others' lives are, that I forgot to enjoy my own life. I have been blind. For one moment, look around you and look at those people around you, without comparing yours to others. Look at what you have. Being grateful is not having to compare your life to others. If you think some are having greater than you, you need to know that everyone is fighting their own battle. You never know behind closed doors.

And I realize all this dunya can never fill the void I feel inside. I will never have enough money, enough clothes, enough bags. Cars will never be fast enough. Home will never be big enough. The key is to have good relationship and faith in Him. Honestly, I am not a good servant. What did I do to deserve all this blessing?

I also realize that I am very vulnerable. I am insecure and not confident of myself. I never wanted to be better than everyone. All I want is to feel enough, for how I look and for who I am. I need to learn to accept criticism and not let those words resonate in my head. I need to accept that I am flawed and it is normal. I need to stop sinking in my feelings, stop thinking about what could've been, would've been and should've been. I need to learn to accept and let go. I need to learn to love myself. And I need to grow up.

I have turned 18. 5th December 2015, thank you for being a good day. Thank you for making me realize how ignorant of a person I am. God, thank you for the family I have. I don't think I have expressed enough gratitude to them. Please give me more time.