Owner

A 20-year-old currently taking up Pharmacy. Of life updates and random writings. My ups and downs, my thoughts and nonsense.

May 13, 2018

#93

It’s 4am here where I’m at. Wide awake, lying on a single bed of a 5-star hotel in the middle of KL. Can’t seem to fall asleep because the thought of losing my parents is horrible. And this is probably the FIFTH day of my brain making me feel all paranoid every five minutes. Two weeks since I stopped taking sertraline. Two weeks since I was prescribed with fluvoxamine and epilim. What first seemed like a mild depression, my psychiatrist now thinks it’s bipolar disorder type II.

It’s having a lot of thoughts at one time. It’s being all excited and you can do everything. It’s shopping recklessly. It’s completing a lot of tasks. It’s needing less sleep to function the whole day. Two hours of sleep daily? Aite no problem. It’s feeling like the world is finally on your side. And things decided to work the way they should be. And it’s hypomania.

And then there’s the gloomy day. The physically-tired-for-no-reason days. The days where horrendous thoughts come attacking. Remember the thing you did ten years ago? The society hates you for it. Probably you should just die. Probably you can also eliminate the person saying nasty things to you. Or maybe your parents hate you. Oh girl, now you should tell them to send you to an orphanage or just kill you so you won’t be around anymore. Guuurl, that’s extra as heck. And that.. that’s depressive days.

But everyday? Everyday it’s “but you look okay” or it’s “maybe you need to learn to be grateful”. Sometimes it comes as “some have it harder”.

I’m selfish for feeling this way. Because I was born in a good family. I had physically, mentally and financially supportive parents. I had great support system from my siblings and friends. I get to take up a course most probably thousands of students would be glad to trade places with me. Maybe I had most things. Maybe I had everything. But the one thing I do not have, is the choice to not feel what I feel. Never had and never would I choose for my serotonin and consequently my brain to function differently.


January 04, 2018

#92

After months of not updating Blogger.. suddenly it's 2018!
Lol ok but anyway but my only new year resolution is to update this blog more often because it's good having an archive for your own reference. I really want to have something to look back later on. And looking back, a lot happened in 2017 but I didn't have the time (I lied, I had alll the time in the world), energy, (insert more excuses) to do so. But let's just do a quick flashback!
  • I got the worst result ever, literally. I didn't even show my parents the grades but they seem to understand me very well. My dad being the supportive one as always, he only told me to do better next time and to not worry because he too, had failed many times. Was it cool getting bad results? No, it wasn't. But did it bring any lesson? I guess it does. Really a wake-up call for me to realise that undergrad is not like foundation/school where I can relax and still score anyway. Surprise Waji, apparently you're not that smart.
  • My parents let me go on my own vacation with friends! (My followers on Insta and Twitter are prolly tired of this already HAHA) I swear it was the greatest thing ever happened to someone who has quite protective parents. It was only Singapore but getting to go with my closest ones from foundation, and fully sponsored by parents (wkwk), of course this one has to make it on my blog as well. My parents literally made me prepare a whole itinerary and budget! Probably would share the itinerary and budget with yall later. Soooo next, Hong Kong? (winks at parents HAHA)
  • Got to join MDS again! Getting to know new people and contributing even a bit.. (tho most of the time I'm either watching movies or sleeping at Bilik Gerakan), of course it was a highlight as well. I'M SORRY YALLS BUT PLS PICK ME AGAIN THX.
  • My already in-the-drain love life, just became......Idk it's probably in a shithole now. Holy(insert curse words), I found out he cheated on me. Holy(insert more curse words). I hate guys even more now. But I love that I was a lot more matured and not emo, so I just..... left. I didn't attack the girl or anything. I contacted our mutual friends and found out he's been two-three timing girls for quite some time. Pffft. He thinks he can buy me with money and whatnot (prolly the only thing he can offer lol), I'm sorry I can afford my own stuff. Just to clear things up, we never make it together and if I ever tweeted bout any ex, it's not him. Idk him.
  • I stayed outside of college. My parents weren't fond of this idea but after some time, they kind of gave in to me. It was a good experience, learned to pay bills, learned to plan my budget (told my parents I can pay my own elctricity&water bills). It was a good lesson but would I do it again? Idk. 50-50. Lol. Might as well just stay in college.
  • And lastly, towards the end of 2017............. my reckless driving skills shatterred cermin belakang kereta because I hit something and it was a 4wd so cermin yang kena dulu instead of bumper. Shizz. My dad was mad for.... one night. But the next day he said sorry for being mad at me and that I should not worry, thing happened already. God. I just don't appreciate my parents enough aite :(
That sums up my 2017. A lot more actually, but these were the highlights. Well, some others... I went to several nice dining places. Jibby n Co, Greenhouse by Muir, a lot more I can't even recall. I ate sushi other than Sushi King, tried out Ichibanboshi and Sushi Zanmai. Looking forward to more food adventure this year!

May 23, 2017

#91


Today I read something that hurt me deep inside. I knew this would happen. I had been preparing myself for this. It actually happened today. And I wasn't prepared for this. Hurt would be an understatement.

I think you have found somebody else. And it's not wrong of you to do that. You deserve someone else, you should've had somebody else by now.

What happened between us, it hurt me badly. The things I never expected would come from you oh it happened. I would wish bad things to you but I know it wouldn't make me any happier. So I wish you all the good things and I hope good things will happen to me too.