#69

Feelings.

This is one thing I've never been good at. I hate sinking in my own feelings. I get too carried away that it eats me up inside. I haven't really liked anyone for quite some time. Or... maybe I had but the feeling I had, it was just a slight crush, it came and faded so fast and it didn't really matter. My crush has someone else? Alright that's fine, I'll just find a new crush.

I guess the reason I haven't had anyone is because I don't want to move on. I cling to the image of my past one. Even when that person has grown up and changed. I replay everything in my mind everyday so I don't forget about it. Because I'm scared. Honestly, I'm scared of being with anyone else. Because I know I'll never be good enough for anyone. I know one day, they'll figure out that I'm not up to their expectation. I know I'll eff up someday. So I'd rather be in love with that image. It hurts but it feels good at the same time because you can't break the broken, rite?

Built my walls up and firm. Guess I pushed some people away.

But time passes by and feeling does fade. I guess I do like someone now. I like this someone enough to make me think less of that image (pls note less), that's pretty serious to me. And, nope, this person is not my rebound ok!!! But honestly, what do I expect from this? This feeling is one sided. This person is so nice to everyone that it's not fair for me to feel special because it's actually just the same. And the thing is, even if it does reciprocate, I know it will just hurt me in the end because I'm only 19 what do I expect at this age? 

Guess I fall out of that heartbreak just to get into another one. I'll get over this.